|Even you, Kev.|
I don't remember what happened next but all of a sudden my friends had gone and I was sitting on a sofa with a plump Mia Wallace on my lap biting my face. Maybe she was hungry, I don't know, but it hurt and made my lips red like Lindsay Lohan's asshole. I realised then that the night was going to end badly if I didn't leave very quickly, so I told her I had to leave. She asked for my number but I told her I didn't know it and pretended to be too drunk to use my phone (not hard, as I pretty much was). However, I gave her my (real) name, assuming nothing would come of it.
The next day, I had a facebook message from the girl. I looked at her pictures and felt deeply disappointed in myself and destiny as a concept. In a way, I was right. Fuck Waterworld. The only good bit in the film is when that bitch and her daughter give Kevin Costner lip and he shaves their heads as punishment. No arguing, no warning, just straight for the barber scissors. I like his style.
The message unsurprisingly raised the possibility of us meeting up for dinner in London, a city in which neither of us lived and an activity I would rather sow up my anus and eat a kilo of Fibre Bran than partake in. I thought about my options:
The final solution was a shade too far. While it nailed the point home and printing her email as a suicide note would have been a laugh, I felt I still had unfinished business.
2) Pretending to be gay
Unfortunately, I'd been bafflingly eager the night before. In a way, it was professionalism and dedication to the concept of destiny, much like straight guys participating in gay porn. They get paid more so they guzzle down the viagra, pretend they're bumming a woman and hope to God their closeted fathers won't stumble across "Three's cum-pany".
3) "Hi. I feel like an asshole saying this after everything, but on Satuday I was on a break from my girlfriend. Today we decided to give things another chance and I really think that's the best plan. I don't think it's a good idea to meet up soon. You're very pretty but I want to make things work this time. Sorry."