Friday, 17 December 2010

Valentine Wine

A while ago, not knowing how to spend a cold winter evening, I decided to watch P.S I Love You with a bottle of wine. I hadn't yet got round to watching it because I'd assumed from the title and premise that it was shit. Unsurprisingly, I was not mistaken. The movie is an abomination and if it hadn't been for the wine I think I would have switched it off within the first five minutes when this happens.

Wine-making has changed dramatically over the years. Like many trades, there are those who are passionate about their craft and this passion is substantiated by the quality of their products. There are also those who focus on quantity, which I find utterly abhorrent. Below is a 1.5 litre bottle of wine which any tasteless person can buy in the supermarket round the corner from my house for €2, although I must stress that only a low-life would do so.

Two Euros and two hours later and the movie has finished, although my brain had stopped paying attention at around the one hour mark and had been focusing on how stress-relieving it would be to strangle Phoebe from Friends. It was around this point that my housemate came home and my misguided libido kicked into play.

Although she is very attractive, I have no desire to engage romantically with her. After all, you shouldn't shit where you eat. I tell myself this and then I realise that we are lying in bed together smoking and that her hair smells really nice and not like tobacco.

Let me share with you, if I may, a technique I invented for picking up girls. It's fairly useless as it requires the girl to be lying in bed with you and your arm to be around her, but I find it breaks the ice and allows you to progress from talking to tonguing in a matter of minutes. I call it The Tickle Technique and I've had fan-mail from it.

Like many techniques, the Tickle Technique relies heavily on physical contact. While many girls do not like being dragged onto you by force, by tickling them from the other direction they have no choice but to roll closer to you. Repeat this until lips are touching then insert the tongue. Easy.

Unfortunately, I think this is too easy. It is also easy to blame the wine or the tactic for my actions, but if it wasn't for them I could still have my morning coffee in the kitchen rather than scuttling back to my room with it to avoid conversation.