Still, this was not our problem. Our problem was that we had an extra person living with us who wasn't contributing to rent and bill payments and who often made us late to university by spending unfair amounts of time in the bathroom in the morning. For someone who stank of mould, K took a ridiculous amount of showers. Maybe he bathed in mayonnaise. About once a week, he and our housemate would argue over his infidelities with other unattractive women and he would storm out the house with a little suitcase choking back tears and claiming "this is really it, this time. I love her, you know. I LOVE her" before returning half an hour later with fried chicken and prawn crackers. Eventually we stopped hoping as it was thoroughly demoralising wiping our friend's tears to then see her pick up the phone and refer to him as "babes".
Lacking the balls to kick him out by force (I'm a pussy and the girls are girls) we decided to resort to passive aggressive behaviour. Whenever he was in the shower, for example, we would fiddle with the boiler, turning it up to maximum power for a few seconds to burn him then turning it off completely so he wouldn't be able to continue washing.
I shaved my arse, sac and gooch with his electric razor and pissed onto his toothbrush whenever it crossed my mind to do so.
But the real beauty of our campaign was the postal blockade. Any letters addressed to him were secretly confiscated, read, then torn up and disposed of. I am most proud of one from his bank which warned him that he had entered his unarranged overdraft and would be charged £15 per day until the money was paid back. Of course, not having read the warning letter, he paid the maximum £150 per month the bank could charge him and found out the hard way from the ATM which never lies. Too far? Consider it rent.
|Sometimes the ends justify the means.|