I spent last year living with four friends and an elephant (which, for the sake of coherency, I will hereby refer to as K). K was the boyfriend of one of my housemates and somehow managed to move into our house and live there rent-free for an entire year.
I suppose at first we just assumed he was going to be living there for a few weeks at most and we didn't kick up a fuss about it for the sake of maintaining good relations with his girlfriend, who - at the time - was a good friend of ours. But days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a year.
Oh, did I mention he stank? Seriously, he smelt disgustingly of pubic sweat and cheese. The kind of smell that Creationists use as an argument for God's existence: only the almighty could create a smell this rancid. He smelt like the sweat between your penis and your balls after a hot day in the office.
I don't know why he smelt so bad, perhaps because he spent all day vegetating on the sofa watching daytime television and marinating in Cheetos dust.
I dread to think what his pubic region smelt like, but I'm going to have to because it reminds me of a story.
The girls all went to the cinema to watch Valentine's Day while I, bearing a grudge against most of the cast (seriously: Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Swift, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Alba, Emma Roberts and her cunt aunt Julia Roberts), stayed at home. The girls came home in a terrible mood, which I thought was because of the movie sucking, but it turns out K's girlfriend had received a phone call from K during the screening to say that he had been arrested. His girlfriend immediately swore he was innocent, but would not initially reveal what the crime was. As we were waiting in the living room for her to get home from the police station, we joked that he had been arrested on suspicion of something dirty like rape.
It was rape.
"But the girl is obviously lying. I know he didn't do it because - without going into too much detail - he came home to me that night and we did things that....you know....I would have been able to tell if...I mean...I would know."
I think she was talking about fellatio, where the smell of another woman's vagina and blood is obviously a deal breaker for most women. Most women, however, are repulsed by nut musk so I really don't know if he did it or not.
It isn't, but rape is.
(To be continued)